


even now, you are here

by Lady_Nara (orphan_account)



Category: Banana Fish
Genre: M/M, spoilers for the end of the series
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2015-01-02
Updated: 2015-01-02
Packaged: 2018-03-04 22:34:35
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,858
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/3094244
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/Lady_Nara
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>My soul is always with you.</p>
            </blockquote>





	even now, you are here

**Author's Note:**

> Set in volume 19, during the hours spent in a certain library and on a certain flight to Japan. 
> 
> Title taken from "Asrun Dream," a Banana Fish-inspired song by Gackt.

The pain killers still made Eiji feel tired and a little out of it, despite the lowered dose. Even if he had been at full strength, he suspected that his body wouldn’t feel much different. He’d barely slept the night before and all day he had been in agony, waiting for a face that never appeared. It had been harder to stay calm today than during some of the firefights he had been in. He had caused everyone enough trouble already. None of them should have to worry about him. He had willed himself to focus on each face and smile as the last call for boarding sounded. Ibe-san, Alex, Bones, Kong, Sing…

_Did Sing give him my letter?_

Maybe he hadn’t been able to find Ash. Ibe had been kind enough to loan Eiji the money for the ticket, and Eiji felt a little bad about that, though he would definitely pay him back. It wasn’t as though Ash couldn’t afford to buy a ticket himself. That wasn’t the point. The ticket was a message as important as the letter. Come. Please come.

_Come away with me, Ash. We can find a better future together._

Even though it…hadn’t worked, just yet. The ticket might be useless now, but Ash could buy another. Maybe he just needed time to think it over. Maybe Sing hadn’t been able to give him the letter yet. Maybe Ash hadn’t _read_ the letter yet. Yes, that could be.

Maybe he had and this was his answer.

 _It doesn’t matter_ , Eiji thought fiercely, staring out the window so hard his eyes ached. His last glimpse of this place where Ash was. _If you won’t come to me, then I will come back to you. I swear it, Ash, I won’t let you climb that mountain and die alone._

The plane rumbled around him as the wheels began to lift from the ground. He was aware of Ibe clutching the armrest next to him. The man was a nervous flyer, Eiji dimly remembered. When they had flown to America- a lifetime ago- he had teased Ibe about it. Eiji kept his head turned, watching the ground sucking away below, growing small with distance so quickly. The pressure as the plane climbed made him feel as though he was being slowly dragged out of a clutching hand, one piece at a time. He fought the sudden hysterical urge to scream, _stop, wait, I’ve left something behind._

His eyes were leaking again. Useless. He carefully tried to dab them on his shoulder so Ibe wouldn’t notice. He couldn’t stomach the thought of having to face his concern right now. Deep, deep breaths, like before a big meet, brilliant sun glaring off the pole; like stilling his heart under a hail of bullets, running, a flash of gold out of the corner of his eye.

He tried to control the stuttering of his heart by imagining Ash in Japan. Ash relaxed, wearing sunglasses like he had in Cape Cod, strolling along the heat-hazy streets of Eiji’s hometown. Ash meeting his parents, smooth as he could be when he wanted, but a little nervous beneath that to someone who knew him. How he’d charm Eiji’s sister and laugh at him later, _why did you say she was ugly? She looks like you._

 _Oh, really? I cannot tell if you compliment me or insult me,_ Eiji would shoot back. And Ash would just smirk and look straight ahead.

He could see Ash on the beach at night, soft breeze ruffling his hair, sparklers reflecting in his eyes. _You call these fireworks? They aren’t fireworks unless they could blow your hand off._

_They are pretty. You Americans! Some things can just be pretty, they don’t have to be dangerous, too._

A moment too late Eiji would remember that he was in the presence of someone who was both, but only a chuckle would answer him. _Where’s the fun in that?_

_When I was a kid, me n’ Griff used to go to the cliffs on the fourth of July and watch the ships sending up the big ones. The old man would say he didn’t have money to waste on buying fireworks, of course, but Griff always managed to scrounge up some roman candles. We’d run around and shoot them at each other until it got too dark to see._

_You shot them at each other? But that is really dangerous!_

_Yeah, probably. But it was a hell of a good time. I remember we would laugh until our stomachs hurt and fall over on the grass and just lay there looking at the stars. Griff would take my hand and point it at different constellations.  That’s what I think of when I, when I think of him._ The smile would slip, just a bit, leaving his eyes. _Not the way he was later._

They would gaze silently at the sparklers. Then Eiji would reach over to touch his arm _. I think Griff would be happy for you to remember him this way._

Ash wouldn’t say anything, but he’d lean into Eiji’s hand, just the tiniest bit. Eiji’s fingers would close a little more firmly on the rough denim of his jacket…

No. He would have made Ash buy a kimono, the folds of cloth draping the graceful line of his body. He would look much better in the style than Eiji, the native Japanese, ever had, which Eiji would complain bitterly about. Ash would look smug in that infuriating way he had sometimes and then he’d say, _I don’t know, you look pretty good to me,_ and smooth a hand casually down the front of Eiji’s robe. It might have been a little hard to look at him or to think of something to say, but probably Eiji’s sister would have interrupted them anyway, exclaiming over the handsome American in a kimono.

He was probably imagining this all wrong. It wouldn’t be all walks on the beach and cherry blossom gazing, obviously. Ash might be restless without the action he was used to, tense with looking over his shoulder for danger he couldn’t believe was gone.

He would stick out like a sore thumb and people would constantly be staring and whispering about the foreigner. Maybe it would be easier for him because he was used to all the attention his looks drew even in America, but it could wear on him, this feeling of being an outsider. He didn’t really fit in among the New Yorkers, either, though- he didn’t fit in anywhere, Eiji realized, not even among his own kin.

_He belongs with me._

The thought made his arms ache and his muscles strain, his body wanting to encircle protectively, to be a shield, a cocoon. Shut out the world that threatened Ash, that didn’t understand him. Ridiculous, maybe, to feel this way about someone so strong and so much more able to defend himself than Eiji. But Eiji could still see the shining trails on Ash’s cheeks, feel the weight of the other boy huddled over onto his lap.

He could feel it.

“Ash?”

“Mmm.”

Ash’s hand was resting under his cheek, warm on Eiji’s thigh. He was wearing his cashmere coat and scarf again, a mature ensemble that made the sight of the taller, broader boy curled over onto Eiji’s lap like an overgrown cat even odder. Eiji couldn’t restrain a soft laugh, smoothing his left hand over the curve of a back, pushing his right into silky hair.

“What’s so funny?” Ash murmured.

“Nothing. I am happy to be here. With you.”

Warm late afternoon sunlight fell in bars from the vaulted library windows, catching dust motes in the air and firing Ash’s hair and lashes.

“My soul is always with you.”

Eiji started at the quiet words.

“You read my letter, Ash?”

The sound of assent vibrated through his hands. Heat pooled in his cheeks, which was strange, because he had not felt embarrassed writing those words. Had said similar things to his friend without self-consciousness before.

“You said that you wanted to save me from my fate, that we could have a future together.”

“Yes.”

“I told you before that we couldn’t stay together and there was no escape for me from this life.” The taller boy smiled faintly. “It looks like we were both right.”

Ash’s one visible eye opened, the green as brilliant in the light as the jade that was his middle name. Eiji felt transfixed by it even as uneasiness stirred in his belly.

“What do you mean?”

“Ash. Ash?” Eiji called again, moving his hand from Ash’s hair to his cheek. The eye that had drifted shut opened again, with effort.

“Eiji.”

“I do not understand. Listen, Ash, you…you do not have to be scared anymore. I am with you, and I will make you so happy, Ash. We will find the way together, I promise.”

“We will. We did. We are. Do you understand?”

At Eiji’s expression, Ash caught his hand where it rested against his face. Lacing their fingers, he brought the other boy’s knuckles to his mouth. Eiji felt Ash’s lips tremble against his skin as his friend spoke, breath warming fingers he hadn’t realized were cold until now.

“’My soul is always with you.’ Did you think it only went one way? Eiji.” Ash’s words faded, lingering over his name. The eye fell closed and the hand relaxed onto Eiji’s thigh. Feeling fingers slipping, Eiji clasped their hands more tightly.

“Are you tired, Ash?”

“Yes.”

The whisper melted him. He leaned in close to Ash’s ear, stroking his hair back from his forehead.

“Then rest. I will stay right here.”

Eiji meant to sit back up, but as Ash’s breathing evened into the peaceful rhythm of sleep, he allowed himself to lay his head on his friend’s shoulder. Ash’s scent was around him, soothing, and he could feel the steady beat of Ash’s heart through his hand on the lean back. Eiji held Ash this way for a long time.

_......_

_......_

_......_

There was a crick in his neck when Eiji awoke, and he groaned, thinking it served him right for falling asleep in such a position. Then the world asserted itself and he realized that his head was bent awkwardly against the plane’s window. He could feel the steady hum of the engine all through his body. There were two thin airline blankets draped over his shoulders and he squinted at a blurry face.

“Sorry,” Ibe told him, pulling back the pillow he had been trying to slip in as a support for Eiji’s arched neck. “I didn’t mean to wake you.”

“It is alright.” Eiji yawned, stretching his cramped muscles and looking blearily around the cabin. “How long have I been asleep?”

“A long time. We are almost home.” Ibe’s eyes were very gentle. “You were smiling in your sleep. Did you have a good dream?”

Eiji tried to remember, but the fragments retreated somewhere deeper before he could grasp them. It was gone. But a sense of warmth and contentment remained with him.

“Yes,” he said, smiling. “I think so.”


End file.
